Retro Post: Rick's Guide to Life

Circa September 2002 - May 2003

This is the post that started my old website. These were all created my freshman year of college. Originally they were my away messages, back during the days when my computer was on, and logged on to AIM 24/7, and no one realized their computer didn't like that.

Lesson 1- How to Pick up Strippers

<> Go to Strip Club
<> Talk to Stripper
<> If she asks you to come to her house for a good time.....RUN AWAY, run as fast as possible this isn't normal for people like us (except Jim$), hot strippers don't want to be with normal people in fact awesome stuff like this only happens to James Bond and even with him the hot chick usually has a gun or sharp instrument under the pillow ready to kill him with!

Lesson 2- How to Talk to Girls

.......Sorry cant help you out here
(Ed. Note: Somethings never change)

Lesson 3- How to Spend Friday Nights

8:00 - Tune into Noggin and watch Degrassi
8:29 - Remove clothes while listening to Noggin Spoken Word Guy, attain Vaseline
8:30 - Radio Free Roscoe Starts
For the next half our tug on your Vaseline covered knob everything Lily is on the screen
10:00-11:00 - Repeat Previous Steps
12:00 - 1:00 - Repeat Previous Steps
(Ed. Note: Somethings never change)

Lesson 4 - How not to go to a Casino

<> Drive to Mohegan Sun
<> Walk right into the Casino like it's your job while your 19 and look like your 16
<> Sit down at table and proceed to lose $90 in TEN minutes
<> Get up and promptly get kicked out
<> Spend remainder of time hitting demo golf clubs in mall

Lesson #5 - How to make Lowes Cineplex your bitch

<> Purchase tickets for movie you wish to see
<> Walk to Outback Steakhouse and buy a Bloomin' onion
<> Walk back into theater as if nothing is wrong
<> Proceed to eat Bloomin' Onion during the movie, be sure to waft the aroma of the onion towards people around you to make them jealous
<> After movie leave Bloomin' Onion on your seat to further mock Lowes
After this smuggling will become clockwork

Lesson #6 - Proper etiquette for watching TV in bed with a girl

<> Cater to her wishes as long, as it doesn't interfere with the program (If your going to get some proceed to steps (a), if not proceed to steps (b))
(A) In commercials rub her back, give her soft kisses whatever you have to do to get her in the mood. *IMPORTANT* Be sure to stop once the program resumes
<> Once the program is over proceed to remove her clothes. *Note* her clothes come off first, not yours
<> Get Busy
(B) In a commercial either, pull her close to you or angle your butt towards her
<> Ask her to pull your finger
<> If she refuses, pull your own finger
<> Flatulence is released
<> Laugh while thinking about it for the rest of the program

Lesson 7: How to enjoy an afternoon at the Races

<> For the most fun go to a popular race like Belmont
<> Hire a indentured servant or german to be your driver......if your funds are low just befriend James Fitzgerald for the weekend
*Race Day Check List*
_ Camera
_ Good Call/Bad Call Sign
_ Water Proof container for GC/BC Sign
_ Lemons for Lemon Relay
_ Playing Cards
_ Sandy Chang's Phone
_ Beverages, esp. Shirley Temples so the Bartenders won't pass out from laughing to hard when your order them
<> At the end of every race when people want to know who won, simply respond, Sarah Jessica Parker
<> At the end of the day if you didn't piss off at least 20 people the day was a failure

Lesson 8: Top 12 Things to do in Maryland

12. Play Tiger Woods Golf
11. Mess up an order at Chipolte and get yelled at by the staff
10. Go to Subway or Quiznos and leave your sandwich on the counter
9. Visit Ole' Mel
8. Watch Degrassi and RFR at la casa del Mohr
7. Walk around to all the Frat parties and not get into any
6. Look for Jeff Andrew's dorm, not finding it then piss into the wind
3. Go to Cornerstone and watch NFL games
4. Hook up with chicks on Doug's Bed
3. Terapins Basketball or Football game
2. Preakness
1. Fart on Rasho Nesterovic's head while she sleeps

Lesson 9: (The original Lesson 9 will be in the Special Features on the DVD)
How To See Some Nice Boobs:
<> If you have Money - I'm Sure there is a nice "Gentlemens" club near by for you to ogle some trashy broad
<> If you a cheep bastard (like me) - Ever heard of the internet? Enough said
<> If you are normal - Get a girlfriend. (Then again if you are pathetic and retarded like me, ignore this option just stick to the first two)
<> If you are fucked up - Hire your friendly Japanese tentacle monster to rape and pillage nearby women, don't know how to spot one, just ask Michael Strahan

Lesson 10: How to Know You Need to Stop What Your Doing, Go Home and Go to Bed

<> The horse you bet on dies before it crosses the finish line
<> When you stand up sand falls out of your chang
<> You think about going to Virginia
<> Your hanging out with Nicole Sikora and James Fitzgerald at the same time
<> Your not playing Korean Rummy
<> You think its cool to root for the Bahston Red Sox

Lesson 11: Protocol for meeting a Pornstar

<> If you see a pornstar alone in a public location, DON'T HESITATE, someone else has probably already noticed her too.
<> Casually approach her while looking confident. IMPORTANT: You must forget that you are pathetic and retarded
<> Jokingly use a cheesy pick up line, then laugh after saying it so that she knows your just kidding around
<> If she chuckles, your in like Flynn.
<> Continue to make casual conversation and buy her some drinks if they are available.
<> At the end of the night take her back to you place and proceed to bop her
<> (Optional) Stick it in her butt
<> Cherish every second of this because for the moment you are a God
<> WAKE UP (remember you are pathetic and retarded)

Lesson 12: How to Make a Good First Impression with Someone's Parents

<> Help carry groceries upstairs
<> Introduce Yourself
<> Never make eye or physical contact for the rest of their visit
<> When they come to say good-bye make sure you are "reading" a Victoria's Secret catalog
(Ed: Note: I don't remember whose parents this actually happened with)

Lesson 13: How to Know if you are Marty Piccinich

<> You think Canada was created just for Montreal and to make Degrassi and RFR
<> You plan something more than 20 minutes in advance and you expect it to go as planned, of course it won't
<> Your afraid of girls
<> One of your friends is a big metal "E"
<> Wherever you are you're playing Korean Rummy
<> Your favorite Olympic event is the Lemon Relay
<> Flatulence

Lesson 14: Operation Cheese Fries

Covert Mission After-Hours- Secret Agent Double Oh Cincimino & Not So Secret Agent Pat
Phase 1: Stealthy Turn on Deep Fryer when the Coast is Clear
Phase 2: Pour Fries into Fryer
Phase 3: Take Fries Out
Phase 4: Apply Salt and Pepper, then Cheese
Phase 5: Microwave for One Minute
Phase 6: Enjoy
Phase 7: Dispose of Evidence
(Ed. Note: This was pretty much my routine at Rockland Lake everyday after the bosses left..I don't have much longer to live do I...)

Lesson 15: Mother's Day a.k.a. Foolproof Way to Make Millions

<> Buy Mothers Day scratch-offs from the New York Lottery. Why? How could anyone be mean to a mother and let her lose money on a scratch off ticket on Mother's Day.
<> Make sure you buy at least 5 so that you mom at least gets one, in fact it's probably even better if you buy the tickets on Mothers Day so that you don't scratch them all yourself
<> Get home, scratch off all the tickets yourself while you mom is asleep
<> Lose on all tickets, cold-hearted bastards at the New York Lottery
<> Give your mom some nice Scratch off themed wallpaper for the house, Happy Mothers Day Mom

Lesson 16: How To Become A Dirty Old Man By The Age Of 20

Way # 1:
<> Sign onto WinMX
<> Click on the chat button
<> Enter one of the 4392 chat rooms, 4391 of which have to do with porn
<> Type after me: "Male, 48, seeks Female to join me in erotic pleasures in peeing. Like giving and receiving. I love to drink it."
<> Get immediately booted from whatever room your in, into a Gay Night Lover Room
<> Wait for approx. 15 minutes for the authorities to show up on your door step to soil your good name, be ready never to get a respectable job in your life since your are already a dirty old man at the age of twenty.
(Ed. Note: I did not do this, but rather saw someone else type it)

Way # 2-4:
<> See lesson 3 about Friday nights
<> Know exactly when the Olsen twins will be turning 18 so that it will be legal to search for their nude pics on the internet....I won't tell you that it's June 13th, 2004 at 8:30 pm for MK and 8:43 for Ashley
<> Bob Jacobs Favorite: When learning that the legal age is 13 in the Netherlands respond with..."Damn that's tight"