This Post is about one random night at Fitzys. January 7, 2006. This was before I even started hanging out with Tara. For another take on these events, check out Ostrowe's POV.
Fitzy’s is a place like no other. As the official bar of the Piccinichs, it possesses an Anchorman like back story. As recently as two years ago, Ostrowe, Mar and myself dreaded hearing that we were going to Fitzy’s, then one day (I’m still not sure what day that was) we all joined The Boss in believing that Fitzy’s was the best bar in Rockland. Since that day it has been the sight of many epic evenings; the night The Boss claimed I was his attorney and sued everyone for not being fun, the 10-hour poker fest, which included not only a Joe Rutko sighting but also a sighting of my neighbor’s dad boozing at 8 am, and of course more recently the Best of Seven home/away Piccinich World Series of Darts.
However, the night of January 7, 2006 may rank above them all, except of course the World Series of Darts.
So after watching the Redskins win their playoff game, I was in a pretty good mood. Sara was in town so I gave her a call, but I never heard back from her. I got a call from Moro at 9:30 and he wanted to go out. The next morning I was due at The Rock at 9:45, so my plan was to call it a night before midnight so I could get some much needed sleep. Before I left my house I sent Ostrowe a message to see if he would like to join.
Upon arriving, I found Heim playing darts with these two chicks who I assumed were acquaintances of his. They all went outside for a smoke and by the time they got back Moro had joined me by the dartboard. It was about this time that I found out that in fact Heim had also just met these chicks. Heim declined to stay on the board for the next game even though he had won the previous one, so I teamed up with Ms. X, a fairly attractive brunette with glasses who lived in the city selling pharmaceuticals, and Moro teamed up with Ms. Y, a short, blonde, art teacher/stoner who was carrying about 20 pounds too many.
Now this is miraculous in the first place, me, the socially retarded Piccinich that I am, talking to chicks in a bar. During the game Moro was his regular self, making smart ass/rude comments to people he just met (and also pointing at people…including himself). I took it upon myself to defend the ladies who were nice enough to hang out with us for so long by telling them they didn't have to listen to a word he said because he listens to Enya. This became a fairly popular joke throughout the night. Ms. X and I somehow wound up losing the game just as Ostrowe walked in. He had called me earlier to say that he too would be leaving before midnight because he wanted some sleep.
Once Ostrowe got there, we proceeded to fall into our normal routine, making stupid jokes and quoting obscure things. Ms. X had made her way to the bar soon after the game was over; however, Ms. Y humored us for about 10 or 15 minutes until she had enough of our immature antics. By this point, it was already 11 or so and I was ready to call it a night, a pretty good one at that. Not only did we play darts, but we also talked to a couple of chicks for about an hour. It was at least a step in the right direction. Usually the only chicks you see at Fitzy’s used to be dudes and when there is one that is an actual woman, we never talk to her at all. We just sit back and say how hot she is over and over again (case in point: Frankie’s Italian Bistro). So with midnight quickly approaching Ostrowe and I began to play Trivia with Moro so we could finish the night on a good note.
Then things took an unexpected turn. Ostrowe headed to the bathroom, and Moro went to talk to some other people at the bar, so I decided to kill some time by playing darts against the computer. It was at this point that Ms. X walked by me on her way to the bathroom and kissed me on the cheek saying: “Now that you have my kiss, you’re definitely going to win.” As she walked away I stood there dumbfounded and in a trance until Ostrowe came back from the bathroom at which point we resumed our game of trivia. After a few more wins by Buddy C, it was time to head out.
Just before we were about to leave I told Ostrowe what happened while he was in the bathroom and some how we actually made the same decision that most non-retarded people would have made. We walked over to the girls and made some more conversation. Before I go any further I would like to thank Ostrowe for entering this brave new world with me as my wingman.
Ms. X: I love Peter Gabriel, and I love blow jobs
Ms. Y: Oh my god, now all these guys are going to think about are blow jobs
Rick: Hey we’re guys, we think about blow jobs all the time
Ostrowe: Yea, I woke up this morning thinking about blow jobs
Ms. X: I love giving blow jobs
Rick: (In the words of Dick Enberg) Oh My
Ms. Y: I can’t believe you just told these guys that you love giving blow jobs, now they both think they are going to get one
Ms. X: I don’t want to give both of them blow jobs, just him (points to Rick)
Now this is a “Perfect Situation” if I ever saw one. After this exchange I pretty much just started thinking of all the ways I was going to screw this up. While I stood there soaking this in, Ostrowe made a futile attempt to switch wingman duties with Moro, but Moro did a good job of pretending he didn’t know what was going on and stayed away. On second thought maybe he wasn’t pretending. However, when he came to the bar to get another drink he did manage to challenge Ms. Y to a one-on-one game of darts.
We all shifted positions back to the dartboard so we could watch Moro get his butt kicked and talk about how much he loved Enya. After ten minutes the songs I picked on the jukebox two and a half hours earlier started playing beginning with the aforementioned Weezer song. All Ostrowe and I could do was laugh at the IRONY. Ms. X and I spent most of the time in the vertical spooning position and she kept giving my crotch the formal Ric Flair Chop.
About half way through the game, I officially became “That Guy” that I always make fun of when Ms. X turned around and proceeded to make out with me. This is one of those times where I wish I could see my life from the 3rd Person POV for a brief moment, because this must have ranked pretty high on the unintentional comedy scale. First off, it was Fitzy’s. Second, this is me we’re talking about. Last summer I literally had a girl ask me, “So when are we going to have sex?”, but I of course fumbled the snap. In my defense I still blame the fact that she wasn’t attractive, and I would have to be dry for at least 5 years before I considered a girl like her. Third, I don’t know where I was headed with this train of thought. I stopped writing for a bit because that entire night still makes me laugh.
After the first kiss, I had an unfortunate image flash through my head. I remembered that we were at Fitzy’s and that last time I had gone there with Sara we had a close encounter of the transvestite kind. I felt like I should have had check for the absence of the twig and berries, but I am too classy of a guy and that would have been crossing the proverbial line. I was playing a dangerous game of chance.
So anyway after a few minutes we decided to take our show outside and away from the masses. We stayed outside making out as long as the frigid weather would allow us but we were forced back inside 10 minutes later just in time to see Moro lose to Ms. Y.
Ostrowe, Ms. Y, Ms. X, and I spent the rest of the night at the bar. Most of this time was spent not paying attention to Ostrowe and Ms. Y so you will have to check out Ostrowe’s recap of the night to find out what else happened. I’ll just detail the bar scene in the following manner:
A) I was groped, and it was awesome
B) There were a lot of flattering remarks thrown my way, to which I responded with my own flattering remarks being the classy guy that I am
C) She also managed to drop the verb form of the F bomb in the same sentence as the transitive verb meaning to desire
D) Did I mention this chick was 28?
So at 2 in the morning Ms. X and Ms. Y departed thus ending our night…..and only two hours after our scheduled time of departure. At least for once I had a girl’s phone number to show for it. We’ll see what happens when I call her. One can only hope that I don’t pull a Mikey.
Actual conversation from the next day:
Boss: What did you wind up doing last night?
Rick: I went to Fitzy’s for a bit to play some darts and trivia
Boss: Did you see the chick Heim was talking to in the beginning of the night? He said she was pretty hot.
Rick: Her name was Ms. X right?
Boss: Yea
Rick: Yea, I saw her. And I spent the better part of two hours making out with her.
Boss: (Speechless)
Later that night…………………….
Boss: So how about that chick you played darts with at Fitzy’s
Heim: She was pretty hot
Boss: Oh yea, well Rick spent the better part of the night hooking up with her
Heim: WTF that could have been me if I didn’t leave early…………………… and Casey of course
Tuesday night, Rick calls Ms. X.
Call Failed, I leave a message on her voicemail.
SHE CALLS BACK (!) 2 Hours later claiming she was at the gym. We make small talk, and we all know that's my specialty, and we agree to call each other if we are ever in the same neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that I'm 22.
No comments:
Post a Comment