Unspoken Rules of Life: Vol. I

First thing first. I know what you're thinking; "Isn't the correct phrase, Unwritten Rules." Yes, yes it is. However, you forget to factor in my level of retardation. The phrase 'unspoken' stems from minor faux-pas on my part one night. We are not ones to let a good recurring joke slip through the cracks, hence the title. (Note: I realize 90% of the people who are reading this were either there that night or know of the story, but allow me to think that I am writing to the general public for just a moment.

Secondly, the following rules are not to be confused with The Rules of a Gentleman. Rules in the latter category would include allowing women through a door first, offering your lady friend your overcoat on a cold or windy day, and refusing to stop to ask for directions. These are things that all guys should do no matter what. Unless of course your name is Tom Brady. Since he is exceptionally Handsome, with a capital H, he could do the exact opposite and women would still fawn over him. If you don't believe me here is the evidence:


Speaking of Tom Brady, his season ends on a down note, people start to doubt him, and then his biggest rival wins the Super Bowl and the MVP trophy. How does Brady respond? He goes and has the greatest off-season in recent history. First he dumps Bridget Moynahan (for the record: she is overrated and has mutant toes, big turn off in my book, there I said it), then he starts dating Gisele Bundchen (A Victoria's Secret Model, every guys dream), then word comes out that Moynahan is carrying the Dreambaby (and I couldn't blame her, if I was dating Tom Brady I'd secretly milk him at night and store his sperm for this very reason too). THEN, not to be topped word gets out that Bundchen is pregnant too! Granted that turned out to be a rumor, but still, it's epic. This man is not human. I'm convinced that if there was an auction for the prize of being Tom Brady for a day, the bidding would end around $2.32 million. After this it was easy to see why Brady lost his good, catholic, school boy aura, but just when you think he has lost the fan base consisting of 35-54 women, he comes back and becomes the biggest story of the draft when it is "leaked" that he restructured his contract to allow for Randy Moss to join the team. What's more? It's only MAY. The pre-season doesn't even start for three and a half months, and already Tom Brady is the number one story of the off-season and the odds-on favorite to win the Super Bowl this season.....but I digress.

Onto the rules:

Don't walk on the grass at Springfield College
This is the rule that started it all. Literally during orientation we are told that we are not supposed to walk on the grass. I played along for a while, but I am a firm believer of the axiom which states the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. By the end of my tenure I didn't even care anymore.

Never use a urinal immediately next to one that is already in use
This rule is frequently ignored and always leads to awkward situations. If all the urinals are taken, use a stall. If the stalls are taken, just wait. I hate it when there are three urinals and I am using the one on the far right then the next guy uses the middle one. What's worse is when the first guy uses the middle urinal.

Don't initiate conversation around the urinals
You do realize if you are talking with with someone at the urinals you both are holding you're package. That doesn't seem weird to you? If you feel the need to chat, wait 45 seconds until we get to the sink, then you can talk our ears off for all we care.

If you insist on walking three-wide, don't be a dick about it
There is nothing inherently wrong with walking three-wide in a hallway or on the street, it happens sometime. But be considerate to your fellow pedestrians. When someone is walking towards you, just get out their way. Don't make them squeeze around you. Ass.

Courteous Driving
If someone lets you go ahead of them. Give them a wave. If someone give you the right of way. Give them a wave. If they cut you off. Give them the finger.

All that's all for this edition, stay tuned for more Unspoken Rules as they become written.